True story of an Indian politician - Part 5

...in continuation from........

There in his constituency his chela – chapattis celebrated this great coming of their leader. In the capital Bhaiya Jee celebrated this salutation with his senior key person, sponsors celebrated at a large hotel in a private party; he ensured the choicest of food was served; booze flowed and the dancers summoned by his captains did their jobs well. Initially the dancers started with a seductive mujra but soon graduated to striptease; nude belly dancing and dancing nude over the laps of the guests. The entire atmosphere was extremely touching as all guests wanted to touch the gals here and there and wanted to take the evening further, then & there.

But as now our Bhaiya Jee was the Education Minister so he behaved in an educated way. He kept a young teenager to give him company and asked the rest of the guests to teach some lessons to the gals, taking turns as teachers are supposed to do! Period after period!

Next day was Bhaiya Jee’s first day in the office! 

Bhaiya Jee was very anxious on this day since morning. Last days hangover was still there and the gal he had spent night with too have been taxing on his sleep. He was currently at the circuit house as allotment of his official residence was going to take time. The vehicle picked him up to the secretariat.

Entire way he kept on experiencing nausea, a bit of fever and extreme palpitations! The reason as all we can understand is that even by this ripe age and having become an Honorable Minister he had not been to any office to attend to any formal work. Back home he used to visit his party office; for no actual work and otherwise used to visit the other offices of the District H Q  to get jobs done which he had taken from various resident citizens on contract. The later needed only his capacity to abuse, bully and bribe the govt employees.

Also he was very anxious & eager to know where will he find opportunities to eat !

After reaching the office, he was received by the Principal Secretary of the Education Ministry. He was an IAS officer of some 1987 batch; had some grey hair on a balding head, wore a safari suit and golden framed spectacles. He was known as a seasoned bureaucrat; and had worked after his stint as Collector of certain districts and at various levels in different ministries and board. People considered him resourceful and said that getting a position of his own choice in any ministry wasa cake walk for him. He himself aimed to be the Chief Secretary in two years and purchase two more villas in Delhi in his dummy relative’s name.

Bhaiya Jee was welcomed by the representative of the C M office, Principal Secretary, Upper Secretary, Under Secretary, Ministers Personal Secretary and other staff of the Education Ministry. His own people had reached directly. Formally garlanded Bhaiya Jee took his big seat across a mammoth table with a glass sheet over it. Lots of files over the table! He looked around; almirahs with glass doors filled with files surrounded him. In front of him was a watch and pictures of Gandhi and other diseased leaders around him.

When everybody left him; he looked around there was paper everywhere; files only. Nothing worthwhile to eat! His heart started to sink. Would he not get anything to eat here? Has his guru the CM had deceived him? Or he would have to be satisfied being a termite??

--to be continued & concluded

True story of an Indian Politician- Part 4

....in continuation from.............

The Chief Minister cited his own example that when he had arrived new to scene of politics, he was also a bit clueless. Even his appetite was high but nothing worth eating was visible. Then somebody senior gave him similar “ GYAAN” and he started eating indiscriminately; like a pig. He started to find out worth eating, sizeable potions of eatables even in filth. He finally told Bhaiya Jee that a true SWARUP of a politician is that of a “ PIG “. And then the Chief Minister showed his true ROOP to Bhaiya Jee. Bhaiya Jee was truly amazed to see the Chief Minister metamorphosing in a “ LARGE PIG “ and coming back to his outer SWARUP of a human looking Chief Minister.

Looking at this Bhaiya Jee fell to the CM's feet & the CM blessed him of being a WONDERFUL TERMITE & A EVER HOGGING PIG. The CM asked Bhaiya Jee to come to his “SHARAN” in case of any future doubts. CM caressed the hair of BHAIYA JEE and expressed his deep love for him and his own happiness that he was able to give a 2 class pass person as a Minister of Education for the state. This he thought was a bigger achievement than what Americans had accomplished by taking a bum from Hollywood and making him the President of the country, and who in turn had spent billions of dollars on a programme called STAR WARS which never came up. The CM expressed that the example like the American one were widespread in every part of our country; but that of Bhaiya Jee was going to establish some new milestones!

Satisfied with this discourse Bhaiya Jee started to leave for getting ready for the oath ceremony the next day.

The oath ceremony hall was as gracious & grandeurs as all oath ceremony halls which housed similar high level events. The H’ble Governor was on the dais with some other dignitaries like the head of the party in power, incoming CM etc. On the front sofas together with the outgoing CM and some of his colleagues the incoming senior members of the new cabinet were seated. Just behind the other would be ministers like Bhaiya Jee were seated. Elected MLA’s & the opposition MLA’s were allotted there designated posts. Media was given suitable place and security was as required for this setting.

This entire atmosphere was too impounding upon Bhaiya Jee. He was feeling suffocated in his new Sherwani, stitched specially for this occasion by his pet tailor in his constituency. He had personally called up the tailor and told him that if he delayed in the delivery of Sherwani his shop would be bonfire!

He looked with great reverence at the would be CM sitting on the dais; the great gyan of being an ‘EVER HOGGING PIG ‘was given by him to Bhaiya Jee. Bhaiya Jee closed his eyes for some moments started to feel those piggish moments. After opening his eyes he looked around. The entire atmosphere appeared piggish to him. All those who had relinquished power and now were sitting in opposition, appeared to Bhaiya Jee as Pigs who were resting after relentless hogging. The ones from his own party waiting to take oath looked like starved Pigs now getting a chance to hog. Then he looked up; his guru the CM appeared to be the biggest of pigs to him. Something like the ‘ VARAH AVATAR “ of Lord Vishnu. His eyes also glanced towards the H’ble Governor, who had a long active political career behind him, but before Bhaiya Jee could apply any thoughts to him, the ceremony was announced open.

Anyways, the ceremony got over. All took an oath on their God’s, in regards to being true to the constitution and the office. Now our Bhaiya Jee was a full-fledged Minister of Education for the state!

 .....in continuation...................

True story of an Indian Politician- Part 3

.....in continuation..............

After winning elections of MLA, Bhaiya Jee's big processions were taken out; even he wanted so; not confident of winning in the future; so have fun now. But he had started to lobby for a ministers seat. Getting a minister’s seat was coming out to be very difficult and costly for our Bhaiya Jee. The party and the CM elect who had the majority of MLA's told him that they could not afford risking discontent by making a first time elect a minister. There were ample of MLA’s in queue who wanted  to make up for their losses for sitting in the opposition for 2 terms.

Now Bhaiya Jee, did what nobody had dared thinking...he rounded up all Industrialists of his area with the help of his local henchmen and made the Industrialists commit huge sums for his campaign for minister ship. In return he promised that whatever helps legal-illegal he could offer the industrialists as an ruling party MLA and a minister will be given. Thus with the help of these industrialists he committed huge figure for party fund and certain discreetly discussed individual favors to CM elect and others.

He was guaranteed a ministers post but not that of a cabinet minister. Bhaiya had no issues he had come a long way. Now he was calculating the allotment of ministries and in the night had started to dream of the Oath taking ceremony in the Governor’s house. His beautiful & young  ‘keep’ in the capital several times woke him up in the night, from his loud sleepy verdicts of  “ Mein Bhaiya Bhai “ , “ Karunga “, “ Karta Hun”, which he use to utter during his sleep.

One day before he was informed by the CM office that it had been decided by the core committee to make him the Minister of Education with independent charge. It was informed to him that this independent charge was unduly given to him considering the crispness of the currency he had supplied to the party fund & other key individual coffers!

Bhaiya Bhai had a bout of shock. He started to see himself as a master with a stick in his hand and teaching the kids alphabets and the kids raising their small fingers one after other to visit the loo or drink water and disappearing. As such in his two years of school he himself had never returned to the class once his raised small finger had received a gesture of approval!

The thought built in that he had been ditched and his other colleagues had received better portfolios with more lucrative opportunities. He saw no return on investment (ROI) from this ministry. He had spent a lot on the elections and he had to contest other elections too.   

At this hour of crisis; he took a brave step. He called up the CM and shared his concerns with him. He told the CM that he was “hungry” and eyeing other ministries where one got to “eat” full stomach .  The Public Works Department gave every one part of it the opportunity of eating cement, sand, iron, sheets, bricks, coal tar etc. The Urban Planning Ministry gave one the opportunity to eat up land in partnerships of colonisers, in the medical ministry you always get to eat lots of medicine to remain fit together with eating hospital equipments etc. ; similarly all other ministries had one or the  creamy stuff to eat. Even the Animal ministry, Bhaiya Jee knew a past minister had eaten fodder worth hundreds of crores. The education Ministry as appeared to Bhaiya Bhai Jee had no scope of eating. 

Listening to these concerns of Bhaiya Jee the Chief Minister smiled;  his smile was very much like Nishith Bhardwaj had demonstrated in the TV Mahabharat serial before starting to give The Geeta Gyaan to Arjun i.e. Bhaiya Jee. He told Bhaiya Jee, that he was aware of the concerns of Bhaiya Jee. He told to Bhaiya Jee that all ministries were the same; only looked different. As a politician he said that Bhaiya Jee should concentrate upon the “ Karma “ of ‘ EATING’. “ Do not worry what you are eating and how much you are eating; only eat. This was the only KARMA of a true politician” he said. Further he added that, “What appears that is available to eat is not actually what is available to eat, the truth is what was available to eat is something else and divine knowledge; which would come to you with experience”.

The Chief Minister advised to Bhaiya Jee that indiscriminate eating is what the need of the hour; what one was eating & how much should not be pondered upon. He said this was the only “ DHARMA” of a true politician.

..to be continued....................

True story of an Indian Politician- Part 2

...in continuation...

Soon he understood that now he was ripe enough to get on the bandwagon of politics. He started with local elections; won but his major contributions were in booth capturing and manipulating the bigger elections like MLA & MP. 

When the time came; based upon his unique qualities and decorations his party offered him an MLA seat. Disagreeing only upon the huge fees his political party was charging for an MLA seat, still he took the ticket, thinking he will make more money when an MLA and further if a minister or head of a Board/Corporation.

Ours is the only democracy in the world where the elections are not fought on the issues of development, policies, program mes etc. Also here the maximum voters do not understand these. They understand to vote for their cast, the directives of their community’s  ‘Bahubali’ or jaati panchayat which indicates whether to oblige a palm or a flower or someone else. Also here in our country "Gods' are an issue; a big issue in polity. Where a particular temple will be build is the only issue of the largest opponent party. Also sometimes if a particular vegetables price skyrocket it becomes sufficient to make or break a govt at centre or state.

Traditionally film stars and TV stars are elected by the masses; who probably assume the charisma these stars have shown in their movies; they will show in the parliament. In South India traditionally only film people rule in certain states; there people have more faith in film stars doing their movie charismatic act in polity. One strong film star can swing the majority here to there. Also in South the public do not trust one party for more than one term for some stupid reason. Next term is sure shot the chance of the party they had thrown out previous elections. Actually the water down south contains more salts which cause public to become extremely anti-incumbent. This is my thought; I am sure that the laboratory test of the water will confirm.

 The political parties also queue up for giving tickets to the film people. They are near sure shot win case and a great asset when the numbers game is played in the end. Further later the political parties thrust is to gather other film stars to campaign for them. They are aware that their candidates have no crowd pulling appeal, neither in physical appearances nor thoughts. Public also likes to see tamasha so queues up. As such when else would a villager in UP get to see a Film Heroin he had always fantasised about after seeing in films? These campaigning Stars are very much Gandhians, they campaign for one candidate from a certain constituency of a certain party for few days and later for another candidate from another party in other constituency. True example of treating all equally!!!

  

This was the vegetable wave, potatoes prices have skyrocketed; so our Bhaiya's party won by majority as the general public was of the opinion if they change the govt the potato prices will come down by Rs. 3 per Kg or more! For these want of desired potato prices the entire government was changed by the public, otherwise there was no reason. The lost party had no choice but to sit in opposition and wait till at the time of next election some other vegetable price to go up. Internally the lost party also started to work upon rigging up of prices of essential commodities whenever they wanted. Traditionally all parties had their own black marketers & hoarders of different commodities; but now the importance of them had increased mulch-folded. Also the parties wanted deliverance of increased prices of essential commodities at the right time and right place! Commodities prices have been one issue in our politics which has collapsed several government; the public never bothers that rise in prices is due to reasonable reasons or artificially rigged by the opponent party. Together with temple construction, this is the only issue on which elections are decided in our country.

Though a major strategy of wooing voters and winning elections have been very successfully used by all parties at the state and central level : you get us back to power; all your 1000’s of crores of loans will be forgone. No discrimination of whether valid loans or not; just general maafi. Banks say where would  we get repaid from. The new government says we will give it. The planning commission wonders that where would the funds will come from..but the government says we will managBut it works. Recently the UPA govt when came to power, in the first budgetary bill, the FM on the behest of Madam had declared some Rs. 30000 crores for the common minimum programme, some big some for mid day meals, some for Rajiv Gandhi Rojgar Yojna. The total outlay had crossed Rs. 50000 crores plus. Standing there the FM could not reply to the other fellow MP’s that where would the money will come from? The FM kept on saying that we know where the money will come from……time went on…these programmes were run..are running…how much money has gone..do not know….where did the money came from..did not know..what results of the programme..like all the other  govt programmeI am very sure to run these populist programmes funds have been diverted from some other heads of expenditure and thus a situation of overspending of government has added to this continuously increasing inflation rates !

................................to be continued.

True story of an Indian Politician- Part 1

Bhaiya Yadav was born as the fifth child in the totality of seven children of  Rangiya Yadav. Rangiya Yadav used to work as a peon at the district court. His job was to move files here and there and to stand at the door of the court and shout the name of the plaintiff, waiting for his turn outside in the big crowd outside the doors of the court. As the accepted custom every plaintiff has to deposit Rs. 20 with the babu for the next date of hearings. For a desired early or late date; this donation went up to Rs. 100/-. Rangiya Yadav, as in all the courts in India was a 50% partner of this loot. Plus for letting a plaintiff in before turn, Rangiya charged as whatever he saw as the paying capacity & the urgency levels of the plaintiff.

Being in  the business for 20 yrs Rangiya had also learnt the art of misplacing the files for months and reproducing them; whenever he desired,  after some kind of negation with the concerned party.

The purpose of telling the story of Rangiya Yadav; the father of our chief protagonist “Bhaiya”, is to tell you all that Bhaiya Yadav was a son of a very successful man. Rangiya Yadav had a 'house’  a  'gaadi’ ( motorcycle), and sufficient bank balance. The only this lacking to make this picture complete was a ’Maa’ – ‘a mother’; which Bhaiya’s father did not had. This completion he obtained from considering the Goddess at the colony temple as ’MAA’. He was often seen talking to the Goddess referring to her as Maa and requesting her to bless him that more and more police cases were filed in the district court so that he & his colleagues could benefit more from them! The day he earned something extremely extraordinarily he donated a complete set of “CHOLA” to “MAA”, and thus was convinced that whenever he died, “MAA” would keep a berth in the Sacred Heavens for him.

Bhaiya Yadav’s mother Raalvi Devi was a pious & devout lady. Apart from taking care of the house, kids & reproducing more kids, she did not bother herself with any other worldly deeds. This was her only world. She maintained that before conceiving Bhaiya, she had some seven divine dreams in which she has seen a flying dinosaur, a flying cobra, a flying Jackal, a flying crocodile, a flying Vulture, a flying hyena and in the end lots of flying pigs. She had consulted her family pundit for the interpretation of these dreams; and after a deep thought the pundit had given his verdict that “the child which was to be born, will become a big person and will fly with these great animals/birds/reptiles in the larger horizons of life”. Raalvi Devi touched the pundit’s feet, gave him an offering of Rs. 11/- and since that day Bhaiya became the apple of her eye.

 Bhaiya Yadav did not go to school beyond class two; as the entire idea of education was foolish for him. Instead he chose a more colourful & eventful career of working for a cycle puncture shop owner. He specialized in puncturing the cycles parked in the neighbourhood at nights; thus bringing more biz for the day for the cycle shop owner.

 Then to earn more for his new formed characterful habits of gambling, marijuana etc he diversified in the trade of illicit liquor. Soon he got fame, money & honour. Kachchi umar mein bada naam. In few years he also was owner of such cases as two murders, six attempted murders, several rioting, two pertaining to his grown interest in women; once he was sent outside the district for 3 months, being considered a menace by authorities. All this added to his status and now he had a sizeable fan following, largely comprising of mohalla goons. People called him “Bhia” and touched his feet.

That's Me!!!

That is me !

Few decades back, all the Gods, cutting across religious lines, very worried over something, assembled themselves in one big corner of the Eden.

Of this lot for all obvious reasons maximum were the Hindu Gods & Deities; more than 33 crores, very much as mentioned in the Hindu Mythology - and increasing daily !

All Gods were terribly upset, angry and somewhat afraid of this lad, who though was born in a small town, was relatively less read & less traveled; had somehow learnt the true ways of Gods' great kingdoms. The evil creations of belief, morality, virtue, righteousness etc. formed the kingdoms of the Gods' and ensured that all human lived a suppressed life governed by God's hoodlums everywhere.

This lad told people about breaking away from the shackles of all these kingdoms and to live a life full of unadulterated, divine & eternal happiness thus available.

People had now started to believe in the lad. Now there were lesser queues outsides churches, temples, mosques and so on. The monetary collections of all religious gangsters were showing decline, worldwide!
Very worried, the Gods exchanged thoughts amongst themselves and unanimously cursed this lad to be on an aimless wanderlust for his lifetime!

Cursed to be on the move, no one by him, no one to be called his & no place to be called his own!

This was the Gods' punishment to the lad for trying to displace the Gods from their high & supreme positions!

Gods are Gods & shall remain so probably ! There word started to work upon the lad’s mortal life.

The wanderlust of the lad started! From one place to another, one relationship to other. Magic happened - very suddenly his own people stopped recognising him!

The poor lad did not understood for several years that it a curse & conspiracy of the Gods' to punish him for his effort to give people freedom from a life bound by dead religious customs & verdicts !

The lad was told about this by a fairy; who had fallen from the skies in his arms.

The lad closed his eyes, thought for a moment. The thought of being CURSED was painful.

The only way to get his roots for the lad was to uproot the Gods' & their collective curse. Mammoth task & insurmountable.

He raised his eyes towards the skies and with tears in his eyes told to the Gods' " If you all want so - SO IT WILL HAPPEN !"

- " But I challenge you". The lad with his closed eyes & head held high towards the skies DECLARED, “ I bless myself to live & roam around on this planet aimlessly, till each human of this planet has broken away from the shackles created by you GODS' & your religiuos hoodlums and gangsters. Also now this entire universe would be my family !"

And then he broke into laughter’s & giggles cuddling the Fallen Angel in his arms !

Since then the battle is on ! Gods' as ever are Gods'! And the lad is me - Jinesh Bhanu Jain; Alias Joker Johny !

Tamaam Yadein Ab Tamaam Huin !

Kal Raat;

Tamaam Yadein Hamney Kharch Din,

Tumse Kissey Badalney Mein !

Inhi Yadon Ki Baisakhiyon Ke Sahaare,

Chaltey Aaya Abhi, Aaj Tak !

Iktaalis Baras !

Bayen Haath Sey Purani Yadon Ko Pakde,

Peeche Mud Kar Dekhta Hua,

Daahine Pair Ko Aagey Kheenchta,

Maano Maa,

Mere Chutpan Mein Mujhe Bazaar Ki Bheed Mein,

Ungli Pakad Kar Chali Ho !

Ab, Yadein Khali Huin, Aur Kissey Gum,

Andar Jo Tha Woh Sab Khali Hua,

Ab SHOONYA Par Khada Hun,

Darra Hun Ki Yahan Sey Aagey Chal Paungaa??

Kharama Ya Tez!

Yadon Ko Pakde Bagair,

Aagey Chalna Mushkil Deekhta Hai !

Aey Shuno !!!

Kal Raat Mainey Apni Yaadein Tumhi Ko Toh Din Thi ?

Tamaam Kissey, Gap, Aur Unme Liptey Mere Log !

Saath Hi Lapete hue Saal, Mahine, Din, Pal, Mausam !

Aey Shuno !!!

Tum Mera Haath Pakad Kar Chalo !

Hamare Saath, Meri Yaadein, Kisse Bhi Chalengey !

Sab Toh Maine Tumhe De Diye !

Kuch Raasta Aur Kat Jaayega !!!

Aise Chalne Mein Darr Lagta Hai !!!

-Jinesh Bhanu Jain (alias Jonathan Livington Seagull )